Flashback

I thought today would be a good day.  I would bring my car to have my brother see why the check engine light was on, why I smelled gas and to put my winter tires on. 

Instead it turned out to be an awful day. 

My father being an asshole about my car, basically telling me that he's not going to let Fred fix it and then just being an asshole in general about everything.  Just before I get ready to head to Gram's my brother and sister tell me that he's not taking his medicine for his 'attitude' - I guess better known as his depression and bi-polar problems which in him creates asshole! 

The best part of the day was hanging out and catching up with old friends who moved back to the area.  It was great to have coffee and breakfast with them and catch up about everything. 

Hanging out with them and then dad being his old self and seeing an old family friend, I quickly flashed back to 15 or so years ago and the exact reason I had to quickly get out of that house and be on my own.  Yes, I love my father but I don't like his disease when he doesn't take care of it. 

He just doesn't get that the rest of us can't go out and buy everything we want and sometimes what we need.  Just because he's in debt up to his ears doesn't mean I need to be as well.  I have noticed that my spending as gotten out of control lately and I've taken notice and trying to reign myself in on that, it's irresponsible ( I know that's not spelled correctly but oh well). 

Of course I left the garage very, very quickly because I was going either say some things that I shouldn't or have a meltdown.  I decided to have my meltdown as I drove away.  I thought by the time I got to Gram's I would be better, I'm usually good at putting on that outer exterior.  But as soon as Gram asked me why I had the red car I began to fall apart.  Gram doesn't need that on top of her meltdowns and depression.  She asked if she could give me some money and I immediately told her no, she wanted to know if it was because I'm so independant (sp?).  I don't know, I suppose it is, I've never asked them or my parents for money, never.  I know Gram said it would be a loan and that I can pay her back but I don't feel right doing that, but what are my other choices?  Getting a loan through a bank or paying for it out right and paying Gram back as I can.....  I need to really sleep on this - I know she said that Grandpa would want her to help me.  She offered me Grandpa's truck to drive but I don't think I could do that everyday.  Everytime I get in it I see him and I see camp and Bakers Pond and on and on.....she did mention that he probably wouldn't allow it to start because he might think I would drive it too fast. 

I just don't get why life has to be so challenging all at once it seems.  I would like a year to go by that's filled with fun, love and joy.....will that ever happen?  I truly don't know.    

Respect the Charge

Respect.  It's amazing to me how families in mourning don't respect each other enough to ensure that everyone is included.  Or are too selfish and caught with their own bullshit to care about others feelings.

  Even when Granpda died, we tolerated Katie's presents at the wake and I couldn't tell you if she was at the funeral or not.  Sam just needs to remember that she has other 'family' that love and respect her time of mourning.

Alter is cleansed and charged.  Which has given me my Autumn charge I was looking for.....actually got things done around the house, which is amazing because the last couple of months, haven't wanted to do a damn thing - 7 months to be exact.  When I mean haven't wanted to do a damn thing, I mean nothing just sit on my ass and do nothing!!  Guess blogging again is something, at least makes me use my brain outside of work.  At work lately, I've seem to be really stupid when it comes to certain things.  I don't have examples but things that I've been doing for years and years, I seem to forget or do it wrong. 

Maybe today is a new beginning.

Back to work around the house.   

Is it that time of year??

The funeral is over, the good-byes have been said on Tuesday and laid to final rest on Saturday.  I really can't wait for this year to be completed.  I've had enough death and sorrow for this entire lifetime.  I guess that's just what's to come as we get older.  Why is life so difficult, so sad?

If death and sorrow are not enough, now Autumn is not what I'm expecting.  Shouldn't it be a little warmer?  If I remember correctly, Autumn usually gives me a little charge....doesn't seem to have hit yet. Was going to take the fan out of the downstairs window last night but didn't, snuggled with Echo on the couch and watched the Dog Whisper instead.  Hopefully will get the energy this weekend to get the windows taken care of and the chimney cleaned that way can at least start a fire, but the furnace is not, I said not going on until at least November 1st, we'll see if I can stick to that because it doesn't make sense to suffer in coldness either....

Ok, seem to be running late this morning, just means I'll be short on time this week....need to go take a shower and head to work.     

Active Again

I'm up way to fucking early for a Saturday morning.  But it's for a good cause, right?  I'm trying to get back in the game and be active in the Humane Society again.  There is a yard sale this morning and I'm going to work it until around 11:30 and then I will probably come home and take a nap and then go to Meg and Andrew's for some hang out time with some awesome people. 

Right now I'm engrossed in "Angel" bad idea, should have never put the channel on....might be a little late to help set up for the yard sale.  I need to get the entire show on DVD!!  Still watching that price fall at Amazon. 

I believe that summer is offically over....it's really, really cold out this morning - Autumn is finally here!! 

Watch one more quarter of the show, finish my coffee and get dressed for the yard sale and head over to Terry's. 

Be At Peace

The keepers of the passing souls are watching over Sam's Dad Bill now.  He passed yesterday morning around 2:30.  I was wide awake at that time.  Guess that's because there was no waking Sam from her sound sleep.  I couldn't tell you if it was Bill or Arthur that woke me, hell could have been Grandpa for all I know, never had that happen before.  Now to get thru the funeral, which I do not deal well with.....

Up at 5:30 this morning, which is completely out of the ordinary for me, I usually sleep right up  until the last minute to get up.....

Have short day at work today, then counseling - which is greatly needed - then go to meet Karen for dinner and a show at the Lebanon Opera House, which were tickets that I won at work!! 

The tides are turning. Reading a book that I've had for quite some time now but never picked it up until now.  The Circle Within'......it's about living Wicca everyday, not just eight times a year....which I think I already do but sometimes it gets lost in the shuffle...I'm going to work on that since everything has seemed to 'spiral' out of control.  It's time to clean the house and cleanse the alters. 

Need to take a shower and get ready for work so need to go now, more later.....

Again This Year....

Watching to be sure we are safe and on the correct path, really??  Several Raven "friends" followed Gram and I on our walk on Sunday.  I spent the afternoon with Gram.  She's better but still dwells on the details of Grandpa's death.  That's the biggest reason I've avoided visiting her so much.  Which makes me feel guilty.  I'm not sure how to 'fix' that feeling.  I've been calling her more and will try to go visit at least every other week.  Maybe that will help me not feel so guilty and she will be happy to see me.

Do I really have Raven again this year??  Really??  I get the hint.  Will begin my work with Raven.  I'm guessing that involves cleaning 'spiritually and literally' of the house. 

 

Starting Over

I couldn't locate my other blog and couldn't find the paper the password was written on so that told me I was supposed to start a new one and leave the old behind.  Easier said than done.  Since Star began writing again, thought I would give it a try again.  I'm not as crafty with words, witter in person (sometimes), but what the hell.  Hoping this will help me attempt to get out of the awful place I seem to be in and can't get out of on my own.  Been here in this place for 8 months and counting.....  By the way what happened to spell check here??  You'll have to forgive me I'm a horrible speller most of the time.  I have to imagine that this 'funk' will end eventually.  Would like to use this blog as a 'starting' over point in my life.  Chances are it will take a long, long time but I'll start today.  I need to go check on dinner, yes dinner, I'm actually cooking, amazing as it is I know.  I will try to write more later.